A crucial element left out of all those parenting handbooks

*Warning: this post contains the use of profanities and the consistent use of the word vomit.


Vomit!! I’m totally keeping it real on the blog today. Vomit.  They don’t tell you anything about that in any of those parenting handbooks do they? And I’m not talking cute newborn milky vomit, and I’m not even talking eight month old milky vomit with a bit of fruit puree chucked into the mix, I’m talking about that point in your child’s life when it becomes more like adult vomit, you know what I’m talking about.

They don’t tell you that it will usually happen in the dead of the night.

They don’t tell you that sometimes when you hear a cough, it aint ‘just’ a cough, it’s one that will lead to so much more! And once you know it, you’ll never forget it.

They don’t tell you that once you know ‘the cough’, it can wake you from the deepest of slumbers, and that you will run, oh yes, you will run like you’re life depended on it.

They don’t tell you that instinctively, no matter how much you hate vomit, you will in fact cup your own hands in order to catch it….. and if you think I’m lying, just ask any Mum, they would’ve been there I’m telling you!

They don’t tell you how much can come out of one teeny tiny person, think about it and then probably triple it.

And they sure as hell don’t tell you where to start once  the sheets, doona, pillows, pj’s, the carpet and child are all covered…. tell me, tell me now, where the hell do you start cleaning that shit up!!?

But I WILL tell you! You will hear that cough during the night and before you can even look at your alarm clock to see what the time is you will bolt right out of bed and fly into their room like a bat outta hell! You will simultaneously catch vomit in one hand all the while, holding back hair and rubbing their back to make them feel better, and if you didn’t realise you were rocking this whole motherhood gig, you will right at that moment!! Despite being repulsed by the smell, sight and sound of vomit normally, your stomach will turn to one of steel. And when it’s all over and you’ve chucked said child in the shower, you will look around the room and wonder where the hell to start (I’m still not sure of the answer to that one!). And when it’s all over, you’ll jump back into bed with your wee one beside you, and they’ll snuggle in, because when you’re sick the best tonic is of course Mum.

These are the things that parents should be told, that’s the stuff that should be in parenting books!! So tell me, what do you think I should add to my “The Real Parenting Handbook, The Shit they don’t tell you but should!”?

Bel x


14 thoughts on “A crucial element left out of all those parenting handbooks

  1. Mel says:

    That it’s very likely that may occur on your very own birthday one year ;). More seriously though, when your newborn bubs is a screaming fussy feeder for absolutely zero reason and you have been brainwashed in your sleep deprived, first baby state that ‘breast is best’, you may find yourself expressing away alongside trucks on the western hwy to avoid the screaming feeding spectacle at a close friends 30th to ensure that get that magical ‘mother’s milk’. Ha ha. Note: hint of sarcasm and bubs no.2 was onto formula on day 2. Xx

  2. Bec Schuler says:

    Oh and don’t forget the vomit which occurs in the back seat of your car, when stuck (I mean really stuck, between what seems like 40 cars) in peak hour traffic, on your way to work.
    That is a whole new way to become a super mum haha

  3. Croila says:

    Urrrrggghhh … VOMIT … I am a baaaaad mother. I have two children and there is now way in HELL I could do the hand-cup thing. I just couldn’t. Poop I can deal with but vomit is a whole different and much more foul story!

  4. lecinda says:

    Yes!! I wish someone could have clued my own mum in on this info! I used to get gastro 1-2 per year and my mum would tell me to catch my own vomit if I couldn’t get to the toilet/bucket on time and was never allowed in mum’s bedroom (let alone the bed) either. Go you super-mum!! 🙂 Phoebe and Ramsey are lucky kids xo

    • lifeatno2 says:

      Oh no Lecinda! I hope P remembers these moments, I remember my Mum when I started getting migraines when I was young, rubbing tiger balm into my temples until I would fall asleep. x

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