*Warning: this post contains the use of profanities and the consistent use of the word vomit.
Vomit!! I’m totally keeping it real on the blog today. Vomit. They don’t tell you anything about that in any of those parenting handbooks do they? And I’m not talking cute newborn milky vomit, and I’m not even talking eight month old milky vomit with a bit of fruit puree chucked into the mix, I’m talking about that point in your child’s life when it becomes more like adult vomit, you know what I’m talking about.
They don’t tell you that it will usually happen in the dead of the night.
They don’t tell you that sometimes when you hear a cough, it aint ‘just’ a cough, it’s one that will lead to so much more! And once you know it, you’ll never forget it.
They don’t tell you that once you know ‘the cough’, it can wake you from the deepest of slumbers, and that you will run, oh yes, you will run like you’re life depended on it.
They don’t tell you that instinctively, no matter how much you hate vomit, you will in fact cup your own hands in order to catch it….. and if you think I’m lying, just ask any Mum, they would’ve been there I’m telling you!
They don’t tell you how much can come out of one teeny tiny person, think about it and then probably triple it.
And they sure as hell don’t tell you where to start once the sheets, doona, pillows, pj’s, the carpet and child are all covered…. tell me, tell me now, where the hell do you start cleaning that shit up!!?
But I WILL tell you! You will hear that cough during the night and before you can even look at your alarm clock to see what the time is you will bolt right out of bed and fly into their room like a bat outta hell! You will simultaneously catch vomit in one hand all the while, holding back hair and rubbing their back to make them feel better, and if you didn’t realise you were rocking this whole motherhood gig, you will right at that moment!! Despite being repulsed by the smell, sight and sound of vomit normally, your stomach will turn to one of steel. And when it’s all over and you’ve chucked said child in the shower, you will look around the room and wonder where the hell to start (I’m still not sure of the answer to that one!). And when it’s all over, you’ll jump back into bed with your wee one beside you, and they’ll snuggle in, because when you’re sick the best tonic is of course Mum.
These are the things that parents should be told, that’s the stuff that should be in parenting books!! So tell me, what do you think I should add to my “The Real Parenting Handbook, The Shit they don’t tell you but should!”?